All I want for Christmas is…

By The Columbia Chronicle

He’s makin’ a list … checkin’ it twice … I know, it really doesn’t feel like Christmas. How could it when we were crackin’ out the suntan lotion about 10 days ago?

But they’re coming to a chimney near you. Santa and company are about to do that one day world tour. Along with the milk and cookies (he prefers Sausalito) and your wish list for that G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, how about adding our beloved sports teams? They are the ones that could really use a little holiday cheer.

I’ve added them to mine. Wanna see? Read it anyway, Grinch. Happy Holidays.

Dear Santa,

There’s nothing I really want (except a few dozen PlayStation games). So you might as well give some extra gifts to the Bears, Blackhawks, Bulls, Cubs and Sox. They need it. For the Bears:

—A couple more losses for the Bears so they can get that holiday toy that everyone’s talking about: Kentucky QB Tim Couch, provided he doesn’t do anything stupid, like stay in college.

—Now I know that you gave the Cleveland Browns the biggest gift of all with the first draft pick, but there’s still a way. Santa, please make Dave Wannstedt GM in Cleveland. (Two presents in one!)

—Maybe Bryan Cox was (gasp) right. The Bears do need to see the Wizard. They need quadruple (new offense, new defense, new front office, new owner) bypass surgery on that heart of theirs. So how ‘bout springin’ for a new ticker for ‘em Santa?

For the Blackhawks:

—Although they’ve had enough gifts lately, they really need that 30-goal winger. Psst, Santa … Howabout Pavel Bure? He’d make a nice little stocking stuffer. Besides, it would give Alexi Zhamnov a friend.

—Yes, we’ll take a new owner here too. What do Scrooge, the Grinch and Blackhawks owner “All Dollars and No Sense” Bill Wirtz have in common? They’ve all ruined the season by Christmas.

—We need a goalie. So how about giving us our Eddie Belfour back? If not, how about Bannermann?

For the Bulls:

—The Bulls, ah the Bulls. Their list is as long as Dennis Rodman’s lacquered fingernails. We’ll take the obvious, Santa. Please make Michael Jordan play again.

—To do that, we need a season. So bring it back, and give us Seventh Heaven, or “One for the Tongue” in the form of one more championship.

—And leave the Derrick Colemans, the Allen Iversons, the Jim McIlvaines and all the pouty, overpaid, red-nosed babies at the North Pole.

For the Cubs:

—I want to say thanks, Santa, for giving them a pitcher this year — with the batteries included. But we need more. Make sure the front office boys don’t MacPhail in trying to push for the playoffs again this year.

—Hopefully we won’t have to endure the death of another longtime announcer (watch yourself, Steve Stone) to breathe life into the team.

—Maybe, just maybe, you let the Cubs get to the World Series this year? If you gave them another pitcher and outfielder, they just might.

For the White Sox:

—So that leaves the White Sox. Albert Belle is gone, Jamie Navarro has a roster spot, Robin Ventura flew the coop to New York, no one goes to see them play, and a 70-win season is eminent. All I can say Santa, is thanks for making last year’s wishes come true!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good sports night!