SATIRE: U.S. Senate empty as senators run for president
April 1, 2019
Forty-eight Democrats were noticeably absent from the U.S. Senate this week, but rather than hitting Daytona Beach for spring break, they each hit the campaign trail to announce their bid for president.
With a wide-open field of only about 50 candidates vying for the Democratic presidential nomination for the 2020 election, many senators felt they could bring something unique to the Oval Office.
âI will fight for the right of a woman to choose what to do with her own body; I will fight for stricter gun reform laws; and I will fight for dreamers whose parents came to this country in search of a better life,â said Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.) during her March 14 exploratory committee announcement amid the 70 mph winds and tornado sirens in Chicago. âNo other Democrat will fight for these rights like I will.â
Meanwhile, Sen. Angus King (I-Maine) was the only Democratic-leaning senator left in Washington, D.C.
âSomeone has to hold down the fort,â King said with a shrug in a March 15 speech outside Sweetgreen, 221 Pennsylvania Ave. âI drew the short straw, I guess. I donât really mind, though. It means I get first choice from the bagel tray and the pizza box.â
As the lone wolf in the Senate, King was unable to convince Republican senators to reject Trumpâs national emergency declaration. He tried to with a three-hour filibuster speech. Republicans moved forward with plans to build the U.S.-Mexico border wall March 20, selecting a contractorâProseghin, which has one five-star review on Yelpâand choosing a paint color, Pantoneâs Excalibur.
According to senior White House officials, President Donald Trump is unfazed by potentially staunch competition from the other side. When asked in a March 14 press briefing whom he would most like to face off against on the final November 2020 ballot, he pointed to Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt).
âAnyone whom Hillary Clinton can beat, I can too,â Trump said. âIâm not concerned about it.â
Many Democratic candidates are choosing to pour campaign funds into Facebook ads rather than the traditional televised ones, a move inspired by Trumpâs success with Facebook in 2016. Some have also been seeking donations from Russian officials.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the social media company will be closing down all Russian usersâ accounts until the 2020 election has passed so he does not have to sit through another Congressional hearing on an uncomfortable booster seat.
Clinton confirmed she will not be running again because she is still on a five-year meditation retreat in upstate New York trying to comprehend her 2016 defeat by Trump. She advised Democratic candidates to be careful with their emails. She added not to pander to young voters on the trail because they do not vote anyway.
In the meantime, senators said they were not worried about not being present on the Senate floor.
âWeâll stop in to oppose whatever the Republicans do, donât worry about that,â said Sen. Jacky Rosen (D-Nev.), who announced her bid on the Las Vegas strip March 11. âThis is about the American people and their right to have a president who is going to work to represent them on all fronts.â



