As a child, the importance of education was instilled in me and has become a major part of my identity. But being a first generation college student is also a bittersweet experience. 

Growing up, my mother would tell me about her life in Mexico and her dreams of being a nurse. Dreams are all they ever were as my mother was forced to drop out of school by my grandparents.

My mother only completed elementary school and dropped out to help my grandmother cook and sell food to provide for the family. My mother’s story is the reason why I celebrate every accomplishment, no matter how big or small. The end of every semester is a reminder that I am one step closer to creating a new path and breaking the cycles before me. 

Breaking generational curses is not easy, however. The feeling of self doubt and fear have haunted me since the start of my college career. I’ve spent countless nights wondering if I made the right career choice and if I’m even capable of finding a job after graduation. My mother immigrated to the United States in search of a better life for not only her, but for her future family. 

While she was not able to get an education, she has given her blood, sweat and tears in order for me to not only dream it but also achieve it. Fear is constantly reminding me that if I fall short of that then I fall short of everything my mom has sacrificed for me. I refuse to let all of her sacrifices be in vain. 

According to the National Postsecondary Student Aid Study, 56.4% of first generation students received some form of Federal Title IV financial aid between the 2015 and 2016 academic year. 48.2% of first generations students received a Pell Grant in comparison to 36.3% continuing generation students. The average Pell Grant amount for first generation students was $3,818 compared to continuing students’ Pell Grant of $3,694. 

For many first generation students, our journeys are usually a lonely one as we are left to figure things out on our own. Applying for college was so foreign to me and I had no clue what to expect. I also didn’t have the luxury of just going to my parents for help so most of my questions were answered by Google and close friends that were already in college. 

I was completely on my own when it came to filing my FAFSA forms. Most of my friends had it easy, they had both parents to help them file. On the other hand, my biological father was never in the picture and my mother had been living in Mexico for the past five years due to immigration issues and was still going to be there for another five years leaving me feeling lost and alone. 

I eventually met with the financial aid office and explained my situation. Luckily, I was under a legal guardianship that helped me claim FAFSA as an independent. The process was not an easy one; it required a lot of attention to detail and faxing paperwork back and forth. 

FAFSA initially asked for a notarized form that showed proof of my legal guardianship signed by both guardians, my mother and I. They also asked for proof of income which was difficult to prove since my mother was working with her cousin and receiving cash payments. We were able to get another notarized form signed by both my mother and her cousin explaining how often she worked and the rate she was being paid. After weeks of faxing and mailing paperwork from Waukegan to Mexico to FAFSA for final review, I was given the status of independent student. I look back at this time and think of how lost I truly was and to this day I’m amazed at how I managed to figure this all out on my own. 

The most confusing emotion that I’ve had to deal with throughout my college career has been guilt. Guilt has caused me to keep good news to myself. Any time I pass a class with an “A,” get another scholarship or even study abroad, I keep these accomplishments private. I’d love nothing more than to share my accomplishments with my mom but remind myself that maybe sharing will remind her of what could’ve been hers. 

I also feel guilty for having opportunities that many of my family members didn’t have. My mother tells me to keep pushing forward because she doesn’t want me to work as hard as her for so little. I have to fight back the tears when she tells me that she doesn’t want me to work in factories with hard labor the way she has. I feel guilty for living a life that should have been hers. 

Graduation is around the corner and while it may be the end of a long journey, it also means the end of a mission completed. I look forward to seeing my mother’s smile in the crowd and remembering that this day is not only mine to celebrate but hers too. 

Copy edited by Lily Thomas