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SATIRE: The real reason the Jonas Brothers are back

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SATIRE: The real reason the Jonas Brothers are back

By Kaci Watt, Staff Reporter

Fresh off a plane from India, the Jonas Brothers headed to the studio for the first time in six years following Nick Jonas’ lavish wedding to Actress and Pageant Queen Priyanka Chopra.

What has been dubbed Hollywood’s Royal Wedding resulted in the bankruptcy of the beloved JoBros.
But their bankruptcy means payday for the fangirls.

“You can all thank me,” Chopra said. “Without my 100 outfit changes, we would not be bopping to ‘Sucker’ right now.”

The wedding festivities took place in three cities in India—Mumbai, Jodhpur and Delhi—beginning Nov. 29 and concluding Dec. 3, 2018.

“Priyanka is friends with Meghan Markle, and after she sat through that wedding, I kind of had to step up my game,” Nick Jonas said. “I spent every night leading up to the wedding weeping over the state of my bank account.”

If the reception was not lush enough, the actual ceremony took place in a palace. The Taj Umaid Bhawan Palace in Jodhpur is also a hotel in which guests stayed.

“I’d never stayed in a palace before,” said Danielle Jonas, wife of Kevin Jonas. “I should have waited a few more years to marry Kevin, and maybe I could’ve walked down the aisle in a palace, too.”

Upon arrival, guests received an “Oh Sh*t Kit” to help get them through anything from mishaps to hangovers.

“They really should have handed out ‘Oh Sh*t we’re broke now’ collection bins,” said Sophie Turner, Joe Jonas’ fiancee and “Game of Thrones” starlet. “My wedding is next, so Joe better step up his sponsorships and record sales because I’m expecting a palace, too.”

The Chronicle caught up with the youngest Jonas of all, Frankie, to hear his feelings on the band’s reunion.

“You know, I never got to be in the band, and I really thought with this comeback, it would be my time to shine,” Frankie Jonas said. “But all they did was take the little savings I had from my ‘Camp Rock’ cameo and spend it on studio time.”

The release of “Sucker” has led to rumors of an entire album on the way. Popular JoBro Twitter stan account
@jonas4lyfe99 is even speculating Kevin Jonas may sing on this one.

But Kevin Jonas himself told The Chronicle otherwise.

“I’m really looking forward to being back in the industry,” Kevin Jonas said. “I can’t wait to be ignored during interviews and sing backup vocals for the next 10 years.”

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About the Contributors
Kaci Watt, Staff Reporter

(312) 369 - 8962
kwatt@columbiachronicle.com

Grace Senior, Creative Director

(312) 369 - 8960
gsenior@columbiachronicle.com

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