SATIRE: The Chronicle did not call Ghostbusters


Patrick Reponse

The Chronicle’s office, 33 E. Ida B. Wells Drive, has had paranormal activity since 2009.

By Katherine Savage, Staff Reporter

After years of haunting incidents in The Chronicle office, the staff finally agreed to bring in an exorcist.

Staff complained of computers randomly turning off, flickering lights, mysterious keyboard clicks, ominous cries and doors slamming. General Manager Travis Truitt and Editor-in-Chief Ariana Portalatin decided enough is enough and called in an exorcist.

Before calling in the experts, staff tried burning sage and even a Ouija board, with no success. They also called in Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, the CW’s “Supernatural” stars.

“We were very confused about how they even got our number and why they called us,” Ackles said. “They do know that we only play ghost hunters on television, right?”

Renowned Chicago exorcist Veter Penkman accepted the challenge. Penkman looked into the building’s history to see if it was built on sacred grounds or an old prison. The only thing he found was a former advisor participated in a protest to use the Oxford comma.

Several staff members had kidney problems resulting in hospitalization. At the time, they thought it was due to the increased amounts of lead in Chicago water. However, Penkman theorizes that it is actually the ghost.

“We chalked it up to a bad filtration system and stress from the job,” said Staff Reporter Kaci Watt. “When he told us it could be the ghost, we were shocked.”

These occurrences are not limited to 33 E. Ida B. Wells Dr. In fact, Columbia owns a few properties that are haunted. Several residents of The Dwight, 642 S. Clark St., complained of similar paranormal experiences.

Some staffers were skeptical about the office being haunted.

“I didn’t think we had a ghost problem, I thought the building was just old and the cries were fellow employees having a rough day,” said Staff Reporter Alexandra Yetter. “It’s really hard to get anything done with all this nonsense going on.”

Penkman started the extermination process with a seance asking the spirit to leave. However, a few days later, this only seemed to upset the spirit more. The flickering lights and ominous cries started occurring during the day with the whole staff present.

Penkman had a major breakthrough when staffers told him about a lamp left in the archive room that belonged to the former advisor.

“Once I knew we had the lamp, we could really get started,” Penkman said. “The process from there is really quite simple.”

The only way to truly rid the spirit is to salt and burn the lamp, which was done immediately, Penkman said. So far, there have been no more reported paranormal incidents.

“Hopefully, no more strange occurrences will happen,” Truitt said. “We look forward to being able to work in peace again.”