SATIRE: Cutting resources has serious benefits

By Ed Board

The college has been cutting resources left and right for years, much to the chagrin of most students at the college. But here at The Chronicle, we see the upside of these … adjustments. Here is our list of the most valuable budget decisions Columbia has made to date.

Ending Early Childhood Education

The college will no longer offer an Early Childhood Education program, as reported Feb. 15 by The Chronicle. However, as reported Oct. 29, 2018, 44 percent of faculty are dissatisfied with Columbia’s parental leave policy anyway, so they can simply bring their young children into the classroom for any students who would like to learn about early childhood education.

Making free printing inaccessible

Now that free printing is much more difficult for creative writing students, as reported Oct. 23, 2017, writing students have the valuable opportunity to explore more creative ways of turning in assignments, such as using the antique printing press on display at the Harold Washington Library Center. Rumor has it that all the paper once available in the printing lab has been made into wallpaper at the Dwight, which is a much better arrangement for everyone.

Reducing funding for the Renegades

The Renegades’ funding has been cut over the years. If students aren’t able to afford the fees associated with joining an athletic team, well, they shouldn’t have come to an arts college in the first place, right? Being a well-rounded student with a variety of interests should be about who has the most money, after all.

Cutting student employment

Let’s be as clear as possible here: Art students don’t need jobs. It’s that simple. Student jobs have nearly vanished or had hours reduced, as reported Oct. 23 by The Chronicle, but that only means students can spend more time on what matters: opening an Etsy store for their “found art,” starting a YouTube channel to vlog about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s latest pantsuit or recording a podcast on their iPhone live from the apartment they share with five roommates. This will definitely prepare them for the post-graduation hustle.

Making it harder to get counseling

Columbia’s Counseling Services office is a difficult resource to make use of, according to a Jan. 22 Chronicle article. But, like babies, it’s important for art students to learn how to self-soothe. The whole point of creating art is working through the debilitating circumstances in life, so doing next to nothing to help struggling students is actually a way of helping them become better artists. Petting two dogs in an over-crowded library every semester is plenty for us.