“Don’t Judge a Dick” reads like tea party flop

By Matt Watson

What do you get when you combine the political views of Glenn Beck, the offensive tone of Lewis Black and a stoned teenager? The answer: Max Gold’s first foray into detailing his strong opinions on all matters of the world.

Everyone knows religion and politics are two subjects to never bring up at family gatherings and friendly outings. Gold’s book boldly goes there on both accounts and in a “What are you going to do about it?” manner.

Judging this book by its cover and title is OK. It’s shocking, entertaining and gets the reader’s attention but shouldn’t be taken too seriously. “Don’t Judge a Dick by Its Foreskin” is divided into two acts: the first consisting of social issues and the second about government. The book is broken down into one to three page chapters, or “talking points,” that consist of the author’s opinion on a given subject.

The first act is an easy read. Gold’s writing style about society and its many shortcomings is comical and frank. He makes some interesting points and raises valid questions but often comes off sounding like a college student trying to be philosophical after taking his second bong hit.

“The fact is that the behavior of something changes once it realizes it is being observed,” Gold said of aliens watching earth. “People act differently when kids, cops, friends, family—you name it—are around. If we knew that aliens existed and were watching us closely, we would probably get our s*** together and evolve faster in every area of our existence.”

Gold takes the discussion to the next level on issues such as Jesus, the differences between men and women and mental illness. He doesn’t offer apologies. In a politically correct society where many people constantly censor themselves, it’s refreshing to hear someone who doesn’t worry about what other people think. This is the book’s best quality, and such an open-minded discussion could be used more in our society. His voice deserves respect for its honesty.

After the humorous Act I, the second part completely U- turns and loses its lighthearted feel. This section is basically a manifesto: a call to action for a (most likely) peaceful revolution against our government.

The libertarian in Gold is revealed here, hidden earlier under the joking guise of a nonconformist. Much like Beck, Gold uses a holier-than-thou tone when reciting the Constitution, listing the government’s grievances against its citizens and misinterpreting information. It isn’t that the information is flat out wrong but complicated issues are grossly oversimplified.

For example, Gold states, “How can genocide occur if the ethnic minorities targeted for slaughter owned guns?” A convincing statement, until you actually think about it. Would the Jews in 1930s Germany have been saved if they had opened fire on Gestapo guards sent to evict them from their homes?

In the first section, much of what Gold covers in his rant makes sense. The scope of the situation is blatantly overstated though. The cocky, in-your-face style he writes in should automatically make any reader wary of blindly believing his over-the-top views. It’s like getting beaten to death with an American flag.

Gold has it easy speaking from the outside—literally. He was born in Canada and has dual citizenship, so if he doesn’t like it here he can always go back. His book reads like any Tea Party campaign speech, but offers nothing new to the discussion.

If you’re easily offended and can’t handle harsh language, steer clear of this book. For those with some fortitude though, “Don’t Judge a Dick” provides some very entertaining word-vomit. It’s nothing that hasn’t been said already, but nowadays what is?