Congratulations Columbia graduates! You have received a diploma to establish your future, and-a Slinky.

Actually, not even a Slinky, a cheap plastic rainbow imitation. According to Ray Dallavecchia III, national sales representative for the Poof-Slinky Corporation, they don’t sell those, so I can’t call it a Slinky for trademark reasons. From here on out I will refer to these as “Columkys,” because these are cheap slinky-like imitations that have the Columbia name shamelessly painted on them.

Don’t get me wrong, Slinkys are great kid’s toys. Watching a metal spring-like object moving nearly independent down the stairs provides hours of mindless entertainment, at least until it gets tangled and becomes useless.

And although it may be true that, as the jingle goes, “everybody loves a Slinky,” I don’t think college graduates appreciate them as graduation gifts.

This imitation slinky-like object costs 55 cents a piece when ordered in bulk of 2,500, costing the college $1,375 for one bulk order of the plastic imitation.

The Columky is not only a slap in the face to the maturity of the students, but it’s also just plain tacky. The powers that be can’t even spring for a real Slinky! We have to settle for a cheap plastic imitation.

What seems to be missing is school pride. An education from Columbia should be something students can value, but how proud can you be of a school that gives out a plastic children’s toy as a graduation gift? How can people take a school that does such a thing seriously?

I would much rather receive something that symbolizes my education. Perhaps a pen should be given out instead. A paper weight would also be nice, but those can be rather expensive, and I don’t think Columbia would be willing to spring for such an expense.

Pens are relatively inexpensive and represent one of the tools we’ll use even after our education comes to an end, as well as just being plain useful. When in the “real world” will we ever use a Columky?

After searching only one website, Pens.com, I found pens that can have the Columbia name printed on them for only 35 cents for 1,000. So, even if the college ordered 3,000, it would still save approximately $325.

In five years, assuming there were 500 leftover each year, the college wouldn’t even have to buy another set, if it didn’t print the graduation year on the pen. It’s a win-win situation. The students get something useful, and Columbia saves money in the long-run

Plus, an inexpensive pen can still look like it’s high-class, but a plastic toy never could.

Sure, we hand out pens like candy on Halloween here at the college, but you can never have too many pens. And it’s a representation of education. There’s no way you can go wrong.

The Columky represents something else entirely. After spending about $64,000 in tuition from 2004-2008, those who attended Columbia may not climb the ladder of success, but they can fall down the stairs. But it wouldn’t be a graceful fall because it’s a Columky as opposed to an actual Slinky, made by Poof-Slinky Corp.

So, as a symbolic “thank you” for paying the college for a “priceless” education, they give us a toy to occupy our time while we look for a job, as opposed to something that can potentially help us fill out applications, or student loan payment checks, like a pen.

See, it all comes full circle.