THE SEX ISSUE 

Four years in Chicago, zero dates. 

It’s not because I am shy or lonely, but because I come from a culture where love moves deliberately, with patience and intention, a style of courtship that no swipe, text or casual coffee date could fully capture.

Part of my decision not to date while in college in the U.S. is practical. School, internships, work and navigating life in a new country leave little energy for romance. But it is also cultural. 

In the Philippines, where I am from, traditional courtship, called “panliligaw” still exists in some families. It is a slow, intentional process that can last months, sometimes years, and emphasizes respect, emotional investment and meaningful gestures before anything physical happens.

Choosing not to date, however, is often misunderstood. Friends and acquaintances may assume that I am repressed or missing out. But this disengagement is not avoidance. It is engagement on my own terms. I am engaging with my life, my studies and my personal growth, while preserving the values practiced in my culture. 

Unlike casual dating, “panliligaw” is rooted in intentional pursuit, shaped by the hope of building a long-term relationship. It can be public, involve family approval and historically included practices such as formal visits to the family of the person being courted, gift-giving and serenading, known as “harana”. This process can take months or more, and was influenced by Spanish and Catholic traditions.

Growing up with strict parents who prioritized academics and career, I learned to view relationships through that lens. 

Ever since coming to the U.S. in 2022, I have always feared dating apps. Part of that fear comes from seeing how quickly and casually people can connect online, a pace that feels unfamiliar compared to what I grew up with. 

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, about half of Americans under 30 have used a dating site or app, highlighting how embedded digital matching has become in people’s romantic lives.

Relationships can begin with a swipe right, a few exchanges over text, or a casual coffee date and end just as quickly. Some people enjoy that speed and flexibility, but for me it’s overwhelming and something I’m not prepared for.

I was raised to value patience and emotional investment, and moving through romance at this rate clashes with how I think love should unfold.

Love and career aspirations are overlapping journeys, not competing ones. Balancing so many different responsibilities doesn’t leave room for casual dating, and I do not feel the urgency to force it. That does not mean I am uninterested in intimacy or connection; I just prefer it to develop intentionally.

I aspire for an organic encounter, as the internet calls it, that will eventually turn into a process that is deliberate and attentive, building a foundation for something meaningful.

In this country, where romance is often equated with speed and accessibility, stepping back can feel radical. But for me, it is a quiet form of empowerment, a way to honor what I want from love before it even begins.

Copy edited by Samantha Mosquera