How to Fake Aristocracy in Public

By The Columbia Chronicle

Yes, yes, yes. . . now you’ve done it, you silly little kitten. You’ve approached the first step in breaking away from your middle class duldrums…. it’s about time. You’ve come to me, of course, and doing so renders you with oh-so-much power now, for it is only I who could help you. If you hadn’t you would’ve gone on through life, walking into shopping malls and boutiques without so much as a glance or “hello” from the retailers. If you do decide, however, to skip being psuedo-aristocratic, I wish you luck at your career at Home Depot or Starbucks. And, maybe in a few years you’ll marry a middle classer, squeeze out 2.3 kids, move to the suburbs and call it a life.

But, you must take this into account: You will never be the real thing, you will never possess the blood of the aristocracy. . .but dear, you’ll be oh-so-much closer. Now, let’s see. . .oh for God’s sake, first of all you must do something about that dishwater blond mop on your head. Take a box of Nice n’ Easy in the shade of “Palest Platinum” and don’t come out of the bathroom until your hair is as light as Ivana Trump’s. And for crying out loud, don’t do your eyebrows! Eyebrows must stay darker! Okay, now you must roll your hair up into the biggest French twist you can possibly do; remember: French twist, not Beehive.

Practice standing up straight while you are in front of the mirror — posture, posture, posture. Have you ever seen Jackie Kennedy slouching? I must say! Do you remember that nifty teeth-bleaching kit you bought at Walgreens? USE IT! Aristocratic women would rather die than be seen with coffee-stained teeth. And it would never be JUST Folgers Crystals either; it would be something like imported espresso that just arrived from Spain this morning, and the beans were hand held on the plane. I wish we could do something about straightening those teeth of yours, but the British never did, so I suppose it will do. Take the eyebrow tweezers — yes, an essential part of your impending authority. If there is no arch in your eyebrows, you are of no worth. Think about it, how do you think the wives of executive VIPs do it? I’ll tell you one thing, they don’t do it with weak looking expressions, that’s for sure. Arch those brows, woman; look like you mean it. Oh, and after your are done with that, line and carefully fill in your lips with that burnt sienna-colored lipstick. Make sure you NEVER use red. Red says “I’m available,” and even if you are — which, honey, let’s face it you ARE — you must remain a challenge. If a high-roller in the aristocracy sees that you are wearing red lipstick, he knows he can have you.

A real aristocratic woman doesn’t even acknowledge the man’s glances. She may even yawn. It makes you “big game,” a puzzle to figure out, a mystery — it makes him pursue. Do you get it? Why do you think aristocratic men have so many damn mistresses? That’s right, good answer: because they can. Let’s take a look at you. Pretty good, but you need more. Attach those two fake Marilyn Monroe eyelashes to your eyes. Don’t worry, no one can really tell. Coat with some onyx-colored mascara. . . I said “coat” not “cake,” dear. Tammy Faye Baker left the scene years ago! White skin started out as the trademark of the aristocrats in the 17th century, but today it’s all about tanning salons, darling. Either lay out in the sun until you reach a golden brown, or, if your willing to spend a little more, try a tanning bed. That liquid tan rubbish in a bottle turns your skin orange, and that would be a dead giveaway. So go — yes, you — go tan and come back here when you’re good and ready.

Next step? Blush yourself in a berry color. Blush a little more than your mom would. Good girl, you’ll make it. Stand up straight for crying out loud! You had to spend a bit on this next prop, but I think for $29.95 that tiny, tiny, tiny bottle of Elizabeth Taylor’s perfume will go a long way. Dab some here. . . now dab some there. Perfect! Now you smell expensive. And let me tell you there are consequences to fudging when it comes to aristocratic perfume.

I was in Saks Fifth Avenue the other day and I passed by another woman trying to fake aristocracy. She was doing well, except that she had on one of those perfumes . . .oh, what is it called? Forever — you know, the cheap version of Eternity. Whew! Every real aristocrat lady who passed by her made such a face. I saw her leave the store in tears, torn up inside at the fact that she made such an error. The rich can smell money; that’s why it is important to be careful when doing this.

Wear the real thing and don’t act too suspicious. Hmmmm, clothes are pretty flexible when it comes to this sort of thing. Good thing it isn’t winter yet, or you would be up the creek without a real fur coat. Perfume and fur coats are second nature to the aristocratic woman.

They know a fraud when they see one, and they will avoid the imposter, whomever it may be, like the plague. Keep in mind, many aristocrats, because they have so much money, have very bad taste in clothing. Black is that classic color for any occasion. Black, white, or gray, those are basically your “safe” colors. If you’re caught dead wearing powder blue or yellow, like a shirt you would wear to the grocery store on Saturday afternoon. . . read my lips: FORGET IT! No animal prints, either. That was an 80s aristocratic look.

Today’s aristocratic woman wears clean, crisp lines and is accented with jewels. A nice black silk pantsuit ought to do the trick if you wear a white executive shirt underneath with the cuffs exposed and folded outward. And please do make one just above your brassiere. Ladies must leave room around their neck to contrast their jewels over their tanned skin, do they not? Silver or gold, you never mix. You either wear ALL silver or ALL gold, not SOME silver and SOME gold, it is either ALL silver or ALL gold. Those gaudy jumbo gold-plated earrings of your aunt’s. . . just wear them. They don’t look as bad as you think. . . . well, maybe they do. Try the dangling ones. Not bad, now the gold chains — no more than three, now. RINGS, RINGS, RINGS, you must wear rings. No aristocratic woman on earth since before the time of Jesus Christ has ever been seen in public not wearing her rings.

I have even heard of an aristocratic impersonator like you and I not being served in a public restaurant because she not wearing rings. Because of this the waiter knew right off that she was not an aristocrat. I am even surprised the hostess didn’t catch the problem at the door before it got that far. No charges were filed, but her and her mate did have to leave the premises. . . everybody saw her, too. Do you want to be her? No? I didn’t think so. Whoa, hold up. Now what did I say? ALL gold, as you can see that one is platinum, NOT GOLD!

Yes, now paint those Lee Press On Nails a silvery-lilac color. If you are ever seen in public without long, manicured-looking nails you are finished, you hear me! Finished! Women who do manual labor do not have long, lusty nails. They have short, bitten-to-the-quick ones. What is your motivation? Okay, patent leather shoes — no exceptions. You should really go with a pair of $600 rare animal skin types, but we don’t have that kind of money to work with, do we?

Last, but definitely not least — look at yourself in the mirror. I would even go so far as to say that this is the most important. Come now, aristocrats rely on looks more than anything else. Remember that. You need to sculpt your attitude from your humble middle class run-of-the-mill attitude to a cocktail-party-Board-of Trade-James-bring-me-my-caviar type of attitude. Now, tell yourself you own stock in BMW. Tell yourself you’ve never flown coach, it has ALWAYS been first class. Tell yourself if you ever become poor you are welcome to go live at ‘mummy’ and ‘doddy’s’ fourth estate in Sweden.

Now, tilt your nose up just a little higher so that when you see forward, you are really looking a little downward too. That’s it, so that your eyelids cover almost a third of your eye. What’s that? Do you look tired? Oh no, dear, you are bored. Bored with life in the middle class. Remember these few important tips: when you speak, never use slang like “ain’t” and “cool”– you say “are not” and “how verrrrry interesting.” Never laugh with an open mouth, it is comparable to a mule guffawing. Just curl the sides of your mouth into an upward sly smile and giggle softly. You’re an aristocrat, remember. If you fail at this, you can forget about receiving any type of respect or quality service in society. You can forget about looking the part of those you look up to. Review these words over and over again. And, one more important thing: if anyone asks you what you do for a living, don’t lie, just say, “I’m an actress.”