Threesomes, once considered a shocking and perverted act, are becoming mainstream as more people decide to add a third partner into their beds.
Wholesome Disney star Hilary Duff was in a 2009 episode of “Gossip Girl” in which she had a threesome with characters Dan and Vanessa. Even pop singer Britney Spears sings songs about the phenomenon in her song “3.”
The most common type of threesome arguably involves two women and one man. However, threesomes can exist with two men and one woman, all women, all men and, with the increasing levels of nonbinary gender identifications, the possibilities are endless. The bottom line is threesomes should involve sexual activity between three consenting participants who are all attracted to each other.
Threesomes are different from polyamory—a relationship between multiple people, like Karen’s relationship on the television show “Mistresses”—but if you find yourself wanting another person in your relationship, starting with threesomes can be an easy way to bring up the idea without fully committing.
Whether you are in a relationship and looking for a third or are single and looking to experiment, here’s how you can have your very own threesome.
1. Communicate: Think it through and communicate your thoughts, fears, questions with others—everything you’re thinking about threesomes should be spoken and worked through. Talk about threesomes until the idea nearly loses its appeal. It is especially important to communicate openly with those participating in the threesome with you—make sure everyone knows each other’s boundaries, and set guidelines for what to expect.
2. Start looking: The best option will be in person, but sometimes you just do not know enough people. Use this as an excuse to get out there and do new things—as if you were finding a traditional relationship. Another option is asking a casual acquaintance to join in, being sure to do so respectfully and with little pressure so as to not ruin whatever friendship you had before if the person is uninterested.
3. Go online: The world of online dating is huge. Couples looking for threesomes are using these services for their own gain as well. This is easier for singles looking to join couples, but that should not stop couples from trying.
Avoid monogamous queer people who are just trying to find love on dating sites—they will be annoyed and uninterested at your attempts to seduce them. Make it clear what you are looking for through your profile, and otherwise make it like a normal dating profile—humanize yourselves. The same principles of dating apps like “Tinder” or “OkCupid” apply to threesomes as they do to normal dating. From FetLife, a social media life for kinky individuals, to Yik Yak, the local and anonymous message board, you have many places to look for your third.
4. Be picky and patient: Do not accept anyone just because they are the only ones who responded to your requests. Remember: you’re doing this to enjoy it, not just to check off another item from your sexual bucket list. If a person does not feel right for you, you do not have to sleep with them. This goes especially for couples—look for someone whom both of you get along with. Once again, communication is key here. Speak up whenever you feel a certain way, and the process will go more smoothly.
5. Have fun: This is the most important step. Threesomes are supposed to be fun! Don’t feel like you have to follow a script. Watch a movie first or go straight into it—whatever makes you feel comfortable, and whatever all parties think will be enjoyable. And if it ends up that all three of you just want to play Cards Against Humanity instead of bang, that’s OK too.