PUBLISHED: 11-17-08

Author Information: Brett Marlow

bmarlow@chroniclemail.com

Brett and butter

Stick with what you know

People impress me every day with their knowledge of the world and how things operate. I never understood chemistry, and I’m afraid there is no turning back now- too many subscript and superscript numerals and letters. Huh?

I’m surprised I made it through statistics taught by a Bill Rancic look-a-like (remember “The Apprentice”?). Some people are walking dictionaries and know the English vocabulary in and out. I, on the other hand, pride myself on using simple words and avoiding “big words.” My favorite word is “idiosyncratic,” but that’s only because I looked it up one day. I can’t even say “bagel” or “vague” correctly, but whatever.

The thing is, everyone’s super knowledge of things that matter, like science, mathematics, politics and worldly affairs, really intimidates me. Brainiacs make me feel awkward and stupid because they know about things that will matter and make a difference one day. I care about superficial things like being able to name where people bought their clothes or talking in song lyrics; it’s mostly because I’m selfish.

But I have this potentially great intellectual power myself-I know so much about things that aren’t going to help the world. Most often they’re things people feel plague the world (read: celebrity gossip and useless tidbits). But like their knowledge, there’s a time and place for mine … it just happens so sporadically.

I ordered pizza for myself and a few friends one night. I hate cash and pay for everything with a card, so when the woman asked me for my payment method, I rattled off my 16 digits, expiration date and even the security code on the back without even pulling out my wallet. Yeah, I know that off the top of my head. But the reaction wasn’t a good one; it was more of a creepy one. “You know that? What? Creepy!” Well, that’s me.

I also know ZIP codes and area codes. I know when I went to concerts and where they were. I memorize addresses and landmarks. I know what block is what street, and I know the best ways to get to places, yet I’ve never driven a day in my life.

I never thought my “worthless” knowledge would have any meaning or time when it would be needed. I dream of life or death scenarios where my useless information will come into play, and I’ll have to shout out what kind of car Valerie Malone drove on “90210″ and the hostages will be set free. But it hasn’t happened. The closest I’ve gotten is marketing myself as a walking Google Maps or the “find a ZIP code” page on the USPS website.

Maybe it’s because I like being right.

I know I won’t out-trump the smarties with their intellectual crud, but when it comes to the meaningless things, at least I’ve got one up on them.

So when my boss asks me what the ZIP code is for a business in Lincoln Park, I’ve got him covered. When a cab has no idea how to take me where I need to go, it’s OK. And when I take classes and walk out knowing less about the subject than when I started because I’m still really confused, at least I’ll be able to compare my instructor to a celebrity.