PUBLISHED: 04-27-09

Brett and butter

Don't lose yourself

I wish I could say I’m sorry I didn’t laugh at your joke, call like I regularly do, want to talk like before, crack a smile or go out with you the past few weeks, but I’m not.

Lately I’ve avoided nearly everyone. It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of pain and remorse. Lying in bed seems better than going out and facing reality. And to be honest, it’s really nerve-wracking and has caused me a lot of anxiety. Having your world shattered and crushed isn’t easy to bounce back from, but I’m managing-I think.

It’s an understatement to say my life has severely changed.

I haven’t been able to ride the el underground much because I feel too confined. I’ve been having episodes of panic where I know I’m breathing, but I don’t feel any air releasing. It’s hard to have fun and enjoy people’s company. I’m feeling verbally drained.

But those feelings have gradually been subsiding.  And when they do, I find myself taking slower strides, enjoying each footstep as the cold wind blows across my face and I feel more alive than ever. I’m happy to be able to wake up in the morning. I’m happy to be walking. And it’s here, where I realize just how beautiful life is in the simple, uncomplicated things, that make up each day.

I used to worry about the smallest things. But lately, none of it has mattered.  It’s hard to hear and observe other people griping and complaining about petty things because you know it could be worse. It could be a lot worse.

I recently said I feel like I’ve had to grow up five years in a week’s time. Losing a loved one causes you to re-examine everything you’ve done and wanted to do. It causes you to examine who’s in your life and why. It forces you to think about how you act toward people, and how it’s affected them. It also forced me to realize that I was a very naïve 21-year-old who took a lot for granted. But in the end, I can’t change the past. I can only move forward.

And while I thought I may become an entirely new person moving onward, I won’t.

I’ve definitely gained a new perspective. But I also promised I’m not going to lose myself and the qualities that I have. I’ll still have my sarcastic quips and inappropriate humor, but I also get this whole life thing a lot more now. At least one good thing came out of this experience. And what I’ve learned is this: You’ve got one life and one chance to do what you want and be who you want to be. So, do it.

I would like to personally thank everyone who has called, e-mailed and come by to express concern and thanks regarding last week’s column. All of your thoughtful words were touching and greatly appreciated. I can’t thank you enough.

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