PUBLISHED: 02-23-09

Brett and butter

Involuntary reflexes

If looks could kill, I’d be a mass murderer-and probably behind bars, or already lethally injected. Whoops.

I say this nonchalantly because it’s a constant struggle for me. Unfortunately, I have “involuntary opinionated movement” of my facial muscles. When someone says something, wears something, does something or looks at me in a way that I don’t like, I seem to involuntarily or subconsciously react with facial expressions that have been called “the dirtiest looks some have ever gotten.” No joke.

I blame this on the fact that you can read me like a book, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sugarcoating isn’t really my specialty, nor is censoring my opinion of something or someone. Whether or not I say it, my thoughts still come across only in the form of flared nostrils, raised eyebrows and a myriad of scornful gazes that I hope make you look away in disgust that, yeah, I judged you.

Here’s what usually happens. I’ll be walking down a city street or riding the el, and someone gets on the train wearing, say, a bright yellow wool coat and bright pink heels. Some may think that look is “cute,” but I don’t. Instead of keeping that thought in my head, it transmits to my face leaving me pinned in a car grimacing at this chick who is fashionably challenged.

Bars seem to be the place where I sport my meanest looks. They’re usually the get-your-gross-old-never-would-you-have-a-chance looks. People say I’m unapproachable. I don’t see it.

Other times, my looks are a defense mechanism in the same fashion when I’m the one receiving the looks I often give. I prevail by shooting back a dirtier look.

Case and point: Again, on the el, I and everyone probably receive judgmental stares, but I don’t look away to avoid the awkwardness- I stare right back hardcore, flaring my nostrils to maximum expansion, eyes directly met on theirs and I won’t let go until they surrender and look away. I know it’s rude to stare, but when you’ve been the subject of so many stares your entire life like I have, you’ve earned the right to shoot them back twice as hard.

On one level, I’d like to feel remorse and say I am sorry for all the dirty looks I’ve given, but I also have a sense of pride that one of my scornful looks has been called the dirtiest they’ve gotten. So if you’ve gotten a not-so-nice glance from me, take it in stride.

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