PUBLISHED: 01-26-09

Brett and butter

Defendin' my 'skinjens' 'til the end

Something horrible happened to me the other week. I was told my jeans were too tight, my genitals would eventually fall off and that I needed to wear “regular” pants. While we all know skinny jeans do not really constrict one’s junk (that much), I had a horrible thought—what if skinny jeans went out of style?

I panicked. In my head I saw mobs of people wearing boot cut jeans roaming the streets. I saw saggy crotches and pant legs. No wallets or cell phone outlines could be seen in anyone’s pockets. The bottom of the jean went over the shoe and boot and weren’t tucked in. No one had a structured figure. No one’s knee caps protruded. It was awful—almost as awful as faded jeans.

My thoughts were selfish. What would I do if  “skinjens”  weren’t in style anymore? Would I have to stock pile on skinny jeans? Would I have to take sewing classes and make my own? Even if reg jeans were what regular jeans are now, I would never go back to the dark side. Never.

I can’t remember the last time I wore something that said “relaxed” or “standard” on the tag. Even the slightest looseness in my tight pants freaks me out. I’m always drying them to shrink them back because if you wear them twice without washing and drying them, they feel like parachute pants. It’s creepy, and it’s like wearing boxers. Don’t feed me that breathing room crap.

I see the looks people give to those like me, one of many skinny jean-wearing people. We receive the glances of “Ew,” and we see the jealousy in people’s eyes that they can’t pull off acid wash tight pants.
We see they don’t approve of our close-to-the-bod fashions. We hear them talking about our girl pants. But don’t be jealous, and don’t hate. They’re not for everyone, but one thing you need to do is just be happy for those who can pull them off—the skinny folk who, without the help of tight pants, wouldn’t have butts.

After I panicked, I calmed down and realized something; thank God the fate of the skinny jean isn’t in the hands of those disgracing the skinjens. I think we’ve got staying power, buckos.

Popularity: 4% [?]