PUBLISHED: 04-06-09

One bad MF

All-time dream jobs

It’s a little alarming when you reach that defining point in your life when your chosen career path is officially set in stone.

That’s the case for me at least-for 20 years I refused to settle on one idea, which tended to range from the absurd (professional ghost hunter) to the mundane (paleontologist). I sat at my small high school desk, slowly filling in the tiny bubble letters of the career assessment tests, then anxiously waited for the week when I would receive my results in the mail. My results were much less than what I hoped for-spending my life as a clergy member wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

But when I think of it now, those career ambitions I had back in 2nd grade were seriously awesome. Half inspired by Jurassic Park and half by the “X-Files,” I’m realizing I should have stuck to those weird hybrid careers rather than sitting at a desk writing the rest of my life. Who wouldn’t want to attend classes where you’re learning how to read an EMF meter? I’m convinced that our career ambitions back in the younger years were the way to go, but unfortunately that nagging question of “How will this bring in a enough money to pay the bills?” comes in (though I think there’s a serious need for more ghost hunting-meets pop music back up dancers in the world). Regardless, here’s my career advice for people unsure of where to go next-at one point these were all suitable jobs that I hoped to conquer.

Paleontologist: On second thought, this actually sounds tragically boring, but when you’re eight and Jurassic Park is fresh in your mind, digging up bones all day doesn’t seem so bad. I think by the age of 9 I had  nearly 20 books on the topic, wore a big Australian-looking hat and red bandanna around my neck (because obviously that’s what paleontologists did) and carried a hammer in my back pocket.

FBI Agent: When I was 10, I actually made my own FBI badge that I flashed at people and I referred to myself as Dana Scully. Naturally, I’d specialize in the paranormal cases-ideally chasing around aliens all day with a super sexy coworker named Fox. Imagine my surprise when I learned that there really wasn’t an X-Files department in the FBI.

Backup dancer for *NSYNC (or any other sickening pop group): This is actually horribly embarrassing now, but when I was 11, I spent every night popping in the “No Strings Attached” tour VHS into the VCR, and bit by bit tried to memorize the *NSYNC dances. This included me doing some heavy gyrating, floor humping and pelvic thrusts. Eventually I had it down to a science, putting on performances during 20-minute recess at Catholic school while wearing my plaid jumper. My ex-nun of a teacher didn’t seem to appreciate the suggestive thrusting in front of the kindergarten class.

Popularity: 3% [?]